There were a few times I worried I was ruining Pants’s birthday barbeque. I mean, here was the actual barbeque grill—the same new stainless-steel grill I’d assembled two days prior—now resembling a giant, terrifying orange flower of fire, in full bloom. I suppose it woulda made more sense to worry about the garage Merritt designed and built by hand catching fire, or the fence we share with the neighbors (though that would save us the trouble of tearing it down in a few years…). It’s not that I wasn’t thinking about those two structural and more important factors, but the flames weren’t licking at the garage, and the fence…well, I wasn’t thinking about the fence. Mostly my mind was on the fact that friends would start filing into the backyard, maybe in minutes, and I’d started a raging oil fire on a breezy day. On Pants’s birthday barbeque day. Damn!
The initial idea was at least sound, if the results were less than stellar.
The new grill came with cast iron grates. And I decided they needed seasoning, not unlike a cast iron pan. So after trying to daub on some olive oil, with little success and far too little patience, I decided I would submerge the grates in oil, and heat the oil.
It’s easy with a pan, because a small pool of oil in a pan does the trick. But these grates…I wanted them coated and cooked in oil.
The problem was, I was busy with other preparations as well, and didn’t watch the pan full of oil.
As Alton Brown said on “Good Eats” last night, always keep an eye on oil being heated. I didn’t.
I suppose it’s a good thing this all happened outside. It was a solid lesson for future consideration, and it didn’t end with our house turned into a pile of rubble and ash. But it did distract our household for about a half hour.
Most people know that you should never try to douse an oil or grease fire with water. Doing so sends a plume of steam skyward, and the steam holds tiny drops of oil, on fire, skyward with it. That’s how you burn down a house right there.
So we tried to smother the flames with baking sheets, and the fire snuck through every cranny allowing oxygen. Three or four baking sheets ruined.
So we tried baking soda. Pants suggested this. Typically, this would work, if we had, say, fifteen pounds of baking soda to pour on it. No dice. The two boxes poured onto the flames actually created this wicked bubbling action and a different, yet no less furious, display of fire.
Merritt brought out a large sheet of tin foil to try and squelch it again. The foil curled right up into a ball. The fire was very hot and the tin foil seemed to almost revert to liquid form.
So we brought out the fire extinguisher. It was very much like, and had the same effect as, the two boxes of baking soda. Makes me wonder if they put baking soda in those things. Same effect.
We were all at our wits end at this point.
And people were coming soon. We got the lid of the barbeque shut again. I should note that we tried shutting the lid before, but it’s far from air tight.
Anyway. I ended up shooting some water through the holes left open in the lid, and the whole thing cooled and stopped burning. Thank friggin Golly.
So, in a partially enclosed environment, water kinda worked.
But seriously folks, don’t try that at home.
In the end, the now christened grill got cleaned up and now I owe Merritt some cookie sheets and a big ol’ Calphalon baking pan. Other than our household, no one was any the wiser, and Pants’s birthday barbeque went off without a hitch.
But I was humbled…by the purifying flower of hell’s belching fury!
Thank the gods Matto hadn’t made it over early. He probably would have pointed out that one of the methods used to put out the oil well fires in Kuwait was to drop explosives down into the source. That would have been messy.